The Advent of Stake Cake and the Gristle Kid

Much to our pleasant surprise, we are proud to announce that The Pit has given birth to a new super hero for our times. Larger than a small hill! Mightier than the Red Bull! Wielder of wicked cool songs! It's STAKE CAKE!!!! With his heterosexual housemate, the Gristle Kid, they fight evil and spread bodacity across Seattle. If there is a dance party full of crappy music, who will douse it in great DJ-ery and smother it in awesome sauce? Stake Cake!!! If there is a light bulb a full 8' 6" off the ground that needs replacing, who are you gunna call? Stake Cake!!! And when there is a movie and you really need a lumberjack, driver, goofy friend, or any other huge person with a beard, WHO WILL FILL THE ROLE?!?!?! STAKE CAKE!!!!!

Get him for your next party, or just a date!

How The Monster House Was Born, part 2

I was sitting on my front porch enjoying unemployment and playing my magical guitar named Samantha that fateful Friday afternoon. A man descended from the skies with winged sandals. As I stared up at him, being blinded by the sun I tried to discern who this mystery man was. At first I thought it was quicksilver Hermes bringing a message from the gods, but envision my surprise as my brother-in-law-in-law Khrushchev, son of Russell, grandson of Aphrodite herself. He brought news of a great council. Heroes of the area were being summoned forth to man a keep, a house of sorts. No normal dwelling, but a house some say is enchanted, others possessed; a monster.

The next day I had packed my bindle and strapped Samantha to my back and trekked off to this place of legend. When I arrived, I feasted my eyes on the edifice. A stoic brick building with windows like eyes and a door just beckoning you to be swallowed. As soon as I saw it, I knew it must be tamed.

Mark, Khrushchev and their man Eli were waiting for me. Eli had the smile of Brad Pitt and hair like a golden blaze. Women were constantly fawning over him and were it not for his hero-heart, which kept him on adventures, he would no doubt be over-whelmed. We entered the beast and set about exploring its depths and bowels. The subtle intricacies bowed to our inquiries and we settled in await our destiny.

Alas, the troop was not complete and we waited on our undecided fellows, would Rocky, a face like stone, and Patrick, a wonder with his hands, join our cause?

Too black.

Great quotes

"The only thing skewed about me is my waist!"
-Christian Johnson

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

Wait'll my roommates see what I got for them on my vacation!

Also: No new posts since I left? Way to blog, jerks.

Top Ten Reasons to Visit the Monster House

10. Because what happens in the breakfast nook stays in the breakfast nook.

09. Eli's million dollar smile.

08. A 56.2% chance you'll run into Layne.

07. Spontaneous vinyl dance parties in Christian's bedroom because we're all dancer.

06. Hollis Crapo.

05. Within walking distance of two houses chuck full of hot Mormon girls.

04. Because when Rocky starts one of his life altering rants you don't want to miss it.

03. The fact that Patrick's bedroom could be used as a spare 747 hanger.

02. If you ask nicely Mark will show you his hedgehog collection while impersonating Bill Cosby.

01. It's the Monster House.

How the Monster House Was Born, part 1

It all started back in the summer of 09. At the time, I was living on the streets, eking out a living by shining the shoes of the software engineers filing into the Amazon building in the ID. Since most of them wore sneakers, this was not a very profitable venture.

It was then, in a moment of despair, that I heard the booming voice of some awe-inspiring presence, the source unknown, but it shook the very timbre of my soul. "Mark," it said, "your destiny awaits."

I put down my meager meal of corn hash and mochi (hey, I'm in the ID, and I like mochi) and tried to talk to the presence. "Lord, where art thou?"

"Do not call me Lord. Call me...Raul. Mark, you must form a merry band of housemates, and room with them, and your house shall be glorious, and it shall be the social hub of the LDS singles scene in Seattle."

"What shall we call this house, O Raul?"

"It is up to you to determine the name. It shall come to you."

And the voice faded away. I called for it..."Raul, Raul" I said...but I did not hear it again. It was just then that I saw a heavenly angel, who looked an awful lot like this girl, come to think of it, who I was compelled to follow. She eventually led me to the Wedgwood neighborhood of Seattle, and turned around, apparently aware of my presence all along.

"Your house," she said, "shall be a monster." And in an instant, she was gone.

It was then that I saw it. The gaping maw of the old brick house beckoned me forth, the piercing glare of the two windows shaking me to the core. And yet it was oddly compelling. It was an ominous presence, but not an uninviting one. I knew what I must do. I had to find housemates to fill this house, and I had to do it soon.

Destiny was at hand.

Disclosures.

The fact of the matter is this: All monsters eat children. So when you gather up six monsters (sometimes 7... even 8 at one point) into the same house, the face of an otherwise quiet section of town will take a turn towards the aphotic.

Examine the evidence: Hollis personality has already split into two personas since moving into the house. He blends the good nature of "Hollis" with the devious con man antics of "Raul" in an almost seamless flow of postmodern identity switch... sometimes even within a single conversation. When we can't tell who's who in situations as trivial as breakfast or taking out the garbage, the rest of the community should be forewarned and be wary of this schizophrenic-at-large.

Eli does little to help the situation with Hollis/Raul by constantly returning home in the evenings with stories of what he inflicts upon "patients" at the "school" he is attending. We're talking about torture and gore on an unprecedented level, folks. It is to the point that he is now talking about working for the government as an "interrogator" upon graduating rather than pursuing his own practice. Patrick and I have advised him to at least try out a private practice for awhile before giving it up to the Man right away just for the free benefits. Afterall, it's not like dentists don't get to torture people. More to come on this, I'm sure.

Hey. . .

Hey, guys. This is Raul. I snuck onto Hollis' Blog thingy cause I didn't wanna create one of my own. You know, flying under the radar and all that. Anyway, I'm just letting y'all know that I had a great ride but I don't know how long I'm gunna stick around, cause its great and all, but seriously, NO ACTION! I mean Hollis is about as much of mack as I am back hair, FAR FROM IT! Anyway I had a killer time so I thought I'd give you guys a heads up. And to Quote the Trembling Blue Stars, "This was never gunna end with dry eyes." So whenever I peace out, and you can't find me, just be cool and stop the sniveling. Anyway . . . so . . . whatever.

Happy New Year, jerks!

With the advent of the new year, it's time for the advent of a new blog. I give you: Monster House Madness!

Now, I suppose you're wondering what this blog is all about. Well, this blog can be about anything you want...the only limit...is yourself!

I guess I should introduce the authors of this blog.

Eli, also known as Doctor Orin Scrivello, is a young lad attending dental school at the University of Washington. He enjoys pranks involving Novocaine.

Rocky, also known as Mr. Furious, is a generally disagreeable man who snarls at anybody who passes his way. In spite of this, he has a good heart.

Patrick, also known as Twinkle Toes, likes to set tile in random places when we aren't looking, including on the surface of this desk.

Christian, also known as The Count, is a very skinny man who fits in all the nooks and crannies of the house. One time he got trapped behind the refrigerator for a week, and was only able to survive because he was able to reach in and retrieve the delicious, delicious syrup I had inside.

Hollis, also known as Whippersnapper, is the baby of the house, and lives in a cupboard under the stairs. He usually does the chores that none of us want to do around the house, and gets punished when he refuses.

Raul, also known as Raul, is the mustache that has conquered Hollis's face. We stand in awe of his glory, and learn much from his teachings.

Layne, also known as The World's Tallest Leprechaun, is our roommate who doesn't live with us. He experiments with strange and unusual beards that may very well revolutionize the world.

And I, dear reader, am Mark, never known by any other name (such as Marcus or Markma). And my only purpose is to keep our readers entertained with insights into life in the Monster House that will make us laugh, make us cry, and maybe, just maybe, help us learn a little bit more about ourselves.

We will be keeping this blog up to date as long as we don't get bored with it, and hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading.