Monday, May 10, 2010

The Advent of Stake Cake and the Gristle Kid

Much to our pleasant surprise, we are proud to announce that The Pit has given birth to a new super hero for our times. Larger than a small hill! Mightier than the Red Bull! Wielder of wicked cool songs! It's STAKE CAKE!!!! With his heterosexual housemate, the Gristle Kid, they fight evil and spread bodacity across Seattle. If there is a dance party full of crappy music, who will douse it in great DJ-ery and smother it in awesome sauce? Stake Cake!!! If there is a light bulb a full 8' 6" off the ground that needs replacing, who are you gunna call? Stake Cake!!! And when there is a movie and you really need a lumberjack, driver, goofy friend, or any other huge person with a beard, WHO WILL FILL THE ROLE?!?!?! STAKE CAKE!!!!!

Get him for your next party, or just a date!

Monday, March 29, 2010

How The Monster House Was Born, part 2

I was sitting on my front porch enjoying unemployment and playing my magical guitar named Samantha that fateful Friday afternoon. A man descended from the skies with winged sandals. As I stared up at him, being blinded by the sun I tried to discern who this mystery man was. At first I thought it was quicksilver Hermes bringing a message from the gods, but envision my surprise as my brother-in-law-in-law Khrushchev, son of Russell, grandson of Aphrodite herself. He brought news of a great council. Heroes of the area were being summoned forth to man a keep, a house of sorts. No normal dwelling, but a house some say is enchanted, others possessed; a monster.

The next day I had packed my bindle and strapped Samantha to my back and trekked off to this place of legend. When I arrived, I feasted my eyes on the edifice. A stoic brick building with windows like eyes and a door just beckoning you to be swallowed. As soon as I saw it, I knew it must be tamed.

Mark, Khrushchev and their man Eli were waiting for me. Eli had the smile of Brad Pitt and hair like a golden blaze. Women were constantly fawning over him and were it not for his hero-heart, which kept him on adventures, he would no doubt be over-whelmed. We entered the beast and set about exploring its depths and bowels. The subtle intricacies bowed to our inquiries and we settled in await our destiny.

Alas, the troop was not complete and we waited on our undecided fellows, would Rocky, a face like stone, and Patrick, a wonder with his hands, join our cause?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Too black.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Great quotes

"The only thing skewed about me is my waist!"
-Christian Johnson

Monday, January 18, 2010

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

Wait'll my roommates see what I got for them on my vacation!

Also: No new posts since I left? Way to blog, jerks.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Top Ten Reasons to Visit the Monster House

10. Because what happens in the breakfast nook stays in the breakfast nook.

09. Eli's million dollar smile.

08. A 56.2% chance you'll run into Layne.

07. Spontaneous vinyl dance parties in Christian's bedroom because we're all dancer.

06. Hollis Crapo.

05. Within walking distance of two houses chuck full of hot Mormon girls.

04. Because when Rocky starts one of his life altering rants you don't want to miss it.

03. The fact that Patrick's bedroom could be used as a spare 747 hanger.

02. If you ask nicely Mark will show you his hedgehog collection while impersonating Bill Cosby.

01. It's the Monster House.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

How the Monster House Was Born, part 1

It all started back in the summer of 09. At the time, I was living on the streets, eking out a living by shining the shoes of the software engineers filing into the Amazon building in the ID. Since most of them wore sneakers, this was not a very profitable venture.

It was then, in a moment of despair, that I heard the booming voice of some awe-inspiring presence, the source unknown, but it shook the very timbre of my soul. "Mark," it said, "your destiny awaits."

I put down my meager meal of corn hash and mochi (hey, I'm in the ID, and I like mochi) and tried to talk to the presence. "Lord, where art thou?"

"Do not call me Lord. Call me...Raul. Mark, you must form a merry band of housemates, and room with them, and your house shall be glorious, and it shall be the social hub of the LDS singles scene in Seattle."

"What shall we call this house, O Raul?"

"It is up to you to determine the name. It shall come to you."

And the voice faded away. I called for it..."Raul, Raul" I said...but I did not hear it again. It was just then that I saw a heavenly angel, who looked an awful lot like this girl, come to think of it, who I was compelled to follow. She eventually led me to the Wedgwood neighborhood of Seattle, and turned around, apparently aware of my presence all along.

"Your house," she said, "shall be a monster." And in an instant, she was gone.

It was then that I saw it. The gaping maw of the old brick house beckoned me forth, the piercing glare of the two windows shaking me to the core. And yet it was oddly compelling. It was an ominous presence, but not an uninviting one. I knew what I must do. I had to find housemates to fill this house, and I had to do it soon.

Destiny was at hand.